


Brilliant

by turquoisemeep



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Feelings, FitzSimmons - Freeform, Memory Loss, Season 1 Spoilers, lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-10-04
Packaged: 2018-02-19 00:24:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2367473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turquoisemeep/pseuds/turquoisemeep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Every time she looked at him she saw who he used to be and it broke her heart.</p><p>First fic ever! Post season 1 (not really cannon with season 2 cause I wrote it a while ago), lots of feelings, read if you love fitzsimmons!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Baby Steps

It took Fitz a week to wake up, but only seconds to smile at her. The smile was sweet and pure and so utterly ignorant of what had happened that it nearly broke Jemma's heart. The doctors had explained in detail what exactly was wrong with Fitz's brain, but she still had a hard time accepting that her wonderful, brilliant partner now had the mind of a small child.

"Oh, Fitz," Jemma whispered, kissing his forehead. He reached up and tugged gently at a lock of her hair and she met his eyes. They were a soft blue-grey and she'd always thought they looked a bit sad, but the blankness in them now was so much worse.

Jemma blinked, but a tear escaped and trailed down her cheek. A look of confusion passed over Fitz's features as he moved his hand to her face to touch the wetness there. His brow furrowed and he looked very angry for a fleeting moment before the questioning look returned.

"They're tears, Fitz," Jemma explained softly, knowing that her words would mean nothing to him. She gently took his hand from her cheek and placed it next to his side, pulling the covers higher over his chest.

"Get some sleep. It'll all be okay," she whispered, more to herself than to Fitz, but he seemed comforted by her tone and his eyes slowly drifted closed. Jemma didn't know how long she stayed there, watching him sleep, his hand still clasping her own.

 

Fitz's first word was "Jemma," unsurprisingly to the rest of the team, and he liked to say it a lot. He seemed to know it was her name, like he knew "Fitz" was his name and "Fitzsimmons" was their name together, although hardly anyone used it anymore.

Jemma realized early on in his recovery that this Fitz was just as fast a learner as her old Fitz. He understood things most adults did, like how to make a sandwich and button his shirts, by the second week and spoke in full sentences by the third. The doctors were ecstatic.

But while Jemma was grateful he could speak at all after what happened, she couldn't help but miss his constant scientific chatter that often mirrored her own thoughts exactly. She was proud of him for learning to take care of himself, but it hurt every time he disregarded the pesto aioli in the refrigerator or missed a button while dressing.

Fitz was happy though, that much was obvious. He was constantly smiling and laughing at Coulson's bad jokes (even if he had no idea what they meant) and he showed no indication that he knew what he'd lost.

"Why do I have to see so many doctors, Jem?" he complained one day after a routine check-up. The base where they were stationed now that Coulson was Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. had the best medical team Jemma had ever encountered, but she still wished she could be the one sticking needles in Fitz's arm. Then, at least, he'd have a friendly face to look at.

"You were very sick, Fitz," Jemma said carefully as she helped him tie his tie. He still hadn't mastered that yet, but was adamant on wearing it.

"Because of HYDRA?" he asked and Jemma's fingers froze for a second.

"Who told you about HYDRA?" she asked and tried to keep the anger from her voice.

"Skye mentioned it," Fitz said, uncharacteristically evasive. He was watching her very closely with an expression on his face that Jemma couldn't quite interpret.

"Yes, HYDRA made you sick," she said as she smoothed down his collar. "But you're all better now." He looked doubtful so Jemma took a tiny breath and smiled brightly.

"Seriously, Fitz, you've never been better." The lie burned her throat, but Fitz's expression cleared.

"Okay, Jemma," he said and let her lead him back to his room.

 

Coulson had said he was proud of her, Skye said she was there for her, and May -well May hadn't said say anything but she'd smiled. Yet, Jemma still felt incredibly alone. It had been a month since she and Fitz had nearly died at the bottom of the ocean and she missed her best friend so much it hurt.

Of course she got to see him every day, but while this Fitz was sweet and cheerful, he lacked the exuberant depth to his knowledge that Jemma had loved most about him. He wasn't her Fitz anymore and she was finding it harder and harder to spend time with him. She often escaped to the lab in the hope that she could throw herself into a new project, but would end up sitting there wishing Fitz was next to her, blabbing about electro-magnetic-whatevers.

One day, Fitz did join her in the lab. He said he missed the place; that he missed watching her work, so she'd set up a chair for him next to her and mostly tried not to watch him watch her take apart one of the night-night guns which was acting up again.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing to the weapon in her hands.

"It's called a night-night gun," she said then proceeded to explain how it worked to the man who'd invented it.

"Did you make it?" Fitz asked in awe.

"No, I didn't," Jemma said carefully, thinking about what she would say next. "A friend made it for us."

"A friend of yours?" Fitz asked skeptically and she nodded.

"He invented a lot of this stuff. He had a remarkable mind and was quite clever."

"What happened to him?" Fitz was looking around the lab and Jemma took the opportunity to arrange her expression into something more neutral.

"He died."

"Oh, I'm sorry Jem," Fitz placed his hand on hers and returned his attention to his best friend. He was frowning deeply now.

"No, it's okay Fitz, don't worry about it," Jemma said quickly, not wanting to cause him any pain. He'd suffered too much already.

"Can I ask what your friend's name was?" He looked at her carefully, as if she was about to cry again. Did she really cry that much?

"Oh, his name?" Jemma stalled, trying to think of a suitable name for a friend just like Leo. It was you, it was you, it was you, she wanted to shout but didn't.

"It's alright, Jemma, never mind," Fitz said with a small smile as he watched her struggle to say the name. He patted her hand then picked up the night-night gun.

"Oh careful!" Jemma said, momentarily distracted. She gently took the weapon out of his hands and placed it on the desk. Fitz frowned again.

"I'm not a child, Jemma," he said and she bit her lip.

"I know that."

"Then you don't have to act so careful around me! I'm not stupid, I'm not going to blow anything up!" Fitz almost never raised his voice anymore and Jemma was

shocked.

"I-I'm sorry, Fitz," she whispered, reaching for him, but he stood up.

"My name is Leo," He said rather harshly and left the lab, leaving Jemma staring after him.

 

"Was it a mistake, lying to him about the night-night gun?" Jemma asked Skye later that evening. She was still reeling from Fitz's outburst and couldn't help but think it was all her fault.

"You were protecting him," Skye shrugged as she wolfed down some chicken wings. They'd ordered in that night, as no one really felt like cooking.

"But I hate lying to Fitz," Jemma said sadly. "And it seems like that's all I've been doing lately.

"Listen, Simmons," Skye said in her bossy tone. "I'm no fan of people lying-" here she narrowed her eyes and Jemma knew she was thinking of Ward "-but this is different. If Fitz knew who he used to be, he would be devastated and all the progress we've made in fixing him would be totally wasted."

"You're right, I guess." Jemma sighed and picked at a chicken wing. Her appetite had disappeared and she wondered where Fitz had stormed off to.

"Where is that boy anyway?" Skye asked, echoing Jemma's thoughts.

"Which boy?" Coulson asked as he wandered into the kitchen, sniffing slightly.

"Fitz."

"Ah, right. I just saw him, but I believe he said he was going to the library," Coulson said, helping himself to some food. He was the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D now but he still loved chicken wings.

"We have a library?" Skye asked in genuine curiosity and Jemma rolled her eyes briefly before setting off to find her best friend.

She found him in the "D" section, his nose stuck in a copy of _Dimensionless Physical Quantities in Science and Engineering_. It was a book they'd had to read often at the Academy, but she was surprised to find him reading it now.

"Hey, Jem," Fitz said without looking up.

"Hey yourself," she said with a smile as she sat down next to him.

"This stuff is fascinating," he continued, tapping the cover of the enormous book lightly with his fingers. "I don't completely understand it all, but I like reading it."

"I never liked that book," Jemma said idly, remembering long hours poured over it during the Academy.

"Well, you've always preferred biochemistry to engineering," Fitz said matter-of-factly as he looked up to meet her eyes. There was nothing in his expression that showed he was still upset from before, and Jemma felt herself start to relax a bit.

"True. And you've always loved reading more than me anyway."

"Do you think I'll be able to understand this one day?" Fitz's question caught her off guard, but it was asked with such simple curiosity that Jemma smiled.

"I believe so, Fitz," she said, patting his knee absently. He made no comment about her use of his surname and she was grateful. That he wanted her to call him Leo had shocked her nearly as much as his anger because he'd always been Fitz to her. He'd only started calling her Jemma instead of Simmons in the few weeks before the ocean incident, and though she hadn't minded it, she'd often wondered why.

The memory of those moments when they were trapped inside that box, when Fitz had said -no she refused to think about that. She'd never forgive him for what he'd done to himself for her.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you earlier," Fitz's voice invaded her thoughts.

"What? Oh, it's alright," Jemma said quickly, but Fitz shook his head.

"No, it's not. I know you were only trying to protect me, and I didn't mean to yell."

"I was worried about you for a moment," Jemma whispered, not looking at him.

"I know. But no more worrying, Jemma," Fitz commanded lightly, taking her hand in his.

"Okay," she laughed and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back and for a moment, a tiny space of time, they were Fitzsimmons again and everything was perfect.


	2. I Remember

            "Jem, pass me that screwdriver," Fitz said as he fiddled with the contraption in his hands. Jemma looked up from her microscope where she was studying some of his skin cells to toss him the tool he'd requested. He grinned at her briefly and she smiled back before he returned to his work.

            It had been three months since their conversation in the library, and Fitz was doing remarkably well. The doctors still insisted on check-ups every week and Jemma was secretly very glad of it, but Fitz was becoming more and more like himself every day. He'd taken to hanging out in the lab while Jemma worked and a couple weeks ago began messing around with some of his old toys. He didn't know they were his, but his knack for breaking things apart and putting them back together made it obvious that some of the old Fitz was still there.

            Of course, this made it only harder for Jemma to let go of who her best friend used to be. Coulson said he'd never fully be like himself again, but every time Fitz rewired the mainframe to make it slightly more efficient or showed her a new tool he'd invented, she couldn't help but hope.

            "Are you thinking about your friend again?" Fitz asked in curiosity as his latest contraption gave a satisfying whirr.

            "Hmm," Jemma nodded as she watched him work. Her "friend" had become a usual topic of discussion and Fitz always seemed interested in her stories of him. Jemma had felt weird about it at first, but it helped to talk about him, even if Fitz didn't fully understand who she was talking about.

            "He invented the D.W.A.R.F.'s right?"

            "Yeah, those were his favorites," Jemma said with a smile, remembering how Fitz would talk about them as if they were pets.

            "He sounds like a funny bloke," Fitz grinned at Jemma across the room. She laughed.

            "He thought himself more funny than anyone else did."

            "Am I funny?" Fitz asked, looking back down at his work. Occasionally Fitz would do that -ask such bold questions with such pure curiosity- and Jemma had to remind herself that he was trying to figure out who he was just as much as she.

            "Quite," she said and laughed again at his pleased expression.   

            "You're pretty, Jem," Fitz said sweetly, looking up at her through his lashes. Jemma swallowed hard and looked away. He'd been doing this more and more, saying nice things like that and sitting close to her during meals. She was growing afraid that he liked her more than a friend and she wouldn't know how to handle that again. The last time he'd alluded to that, they'd almost died and emotions had been running high . . . and that situation was exactly what had brought them here in the first place.

            "Thanks," she said and returned her attention to her microscope. They worked in silence for a while, something that only every happened with post-box Fitz, and Jemma missed his chatter.

            "So Coulson says I'll be able to go out in the field in a couple weeks," Fitz said a few minutes later, the excitement evident in his tone.

            "He said _what_?" Jemma gasped, her body tensing up.

            "He said I could go out in the field in a couple weeks," Fitz repeated in confusion.

            "Yes, I _heard_ you, I'm just wondering why Coulson has gone completely _mental_!" Jemma huffed loudly.

            "Why? I think it's quite reasonable," Fitz said, frowning.

            "Well, I don't."

            "Jemma, I'm all better by now, you said yourself. And I'm bored," Fitz said reasonably but Jemma refused to calm down.

            "Fitz, you nearly _died_ and I will not let that happen again."

            "You can't tell me what to do," he bristled, crossing his arms.

            "The hell I can't," Jemma stood up and was halfway across the room, already forming choice words to yell at Coulson, when Fitz grabbed her by the arm. "Wha-"

            "Jemma, stop," Fitz's voice was steely and she slowly turned around. "I won't go out in the field if it bothers you so much, okay?" He looked at her earnestly and she relaxed a smidgen.

            "You promise?"

            "I promise."

            "Okay," Jemma sighed and let him lead her back to the lab benches. This time, he stood right next to her.

            "Do you have a boyfriend?" Fitz asked and she nearly laughed.

            "A boyfriend? Fitz, what sort of nonsense is that? I'm here 24/7 so I think you'd know if I-"

            "Then why won't you let me kiss you?" he asked, talking over her. Jemma opened her mouth, but no words came out.

            "We're close, Jemma; we always have been, but I think it's something more than friendship." Fitz was completely serious as he spoke, and a flare of something hot went down her spine.

            "You're my best friend, Fitz," she whispered and he bit his lip.

            "But you're more than that to me," Fitz said slowly and Jemma tried to ignore the symmetry of that moment with another.

            They were getting into dangerous territory again, and she was becoming uncomfortable. Fitz clearly liked her and he didn't understand why she was always pushing him away. He couldn't understand that every time she looked at him she saw who he used to be and it broke her heart.

            "Jemma, look at me," Fitz said, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. "What was your friend's name? The inventor who died last spring?"

            The question caught Jemma off guard and she blinked. "What?"

            "What was his name?" Fitz repeated, an odd look of determination in his eyes. He was very very close and Jemma's breathing had become labored.

            "Um, why?" she asked, trying not to make eye contact with him. He'd never pushed her about her "friend's" name before. Fitz sighed and let go of her face.

            "I remember the box," he said next and the bottom dropped out of her stomach. "I remember that we were trapped and you figured out a way to get us out, and I remember doing the math. I remember knowing that I had to save you.

            "I remember when you kissed my face and when you screamed. It was the last thing I heard and as the water rushed in, I forced that oxygen mask to your face because I was prepared to die but I wasn't prepared to lose you. I remember all of that." Fitz was breathing hard now too, but his hands were steady on her waist. "Please stop lying to me, Jemma."

            Jemma was crying, silent tears streaming down her face, and Fitz was looking at her so intently she felt as if she was burning up from the inside out.

            "Leo," she whispered. "His name was Leo Fitz." And Fitz smiled.

            "Oh, Leo, I'm so sorry!" Jemma hiccuped and buried her face in his chest as he held her to him.

            "Shhh, it's okay," Fitz comforted her, gently running his hands through her hair. "I've always known, Jemma, I just needed you to say it."

            "How-how did you know?" she asked after she caught her breath.

            "At first, right after I woke up, I couldn't remember anything except that I could trust you. As I learned how to live again, memories came back to me. They were fragmented pieces, but I was starting to put it together. When you talked about your inventor friend, I knew you weren't telling me everything, but I assumed that was because you cared for him. I was jealous and I didn't know why." Leo chuckled slightly and Jemma clung to him even tighter.

            "Then I overheard you talking to Skye, about how you guys were 'fixing' me. I put it together. I was slow back then, but I was never stupid."

            "You knew this whole time?" Jemma asked, disbelieving as she leaned back to look up at him. He had a sad little smile on his face.

            "Of course, I knew."

            "Why didn't you say anything?"

            "I used to be brilliant, Jem," Leo said, stroking her hair again. "You were right when you said I'd be devastated if I knew what I'd lost. I was, but I couldn't let you see that. I couldn't let you see more pain when I knew how much you were hurting already."

            Jemma stared at him, at this wonderful broken man in front of her. "I love you," she said before she could think about it any more. "I always have, and I'm so sorry it took me this long to say it."

            "I know," Leo said, kissing her forehead. "Back in the box I said I couldn't tell you how I felt, but I could show you. But you showed me too, Jem. You saved me and I've never doubted you for a moment. I only hoped I could be as good as the old Fitz you loved."

            "You are," Jemma whispered into his neck. "Leo, you are." And he was Leo now. He was Leo Fitz and he had been a brilliant man who was a bit broken now, but he would be brilliant again.

            He would be hers and he would be fantastic.


End file.
